Can I expect scientists to some day dig up the remains of an ancient Tooth Fairy, or a Goblin, or a Boogie Man? What if they find Cthulhu? And if so, will we be able to prove he knew the Ancient Mayans?

I’m going to fill out an application for a grant to put together a team of explorers to locate Witch Mountain. Perhaps I will find fame by uncovering the remnants of the long lost Witch civilization. Or would I have a better chance at finding Shangri-La? Maybe I’ll start small and try to find the Mormon Garden of Eden, which they say is somewhere in Missouri.

Where did these creatures which we thought were mythical go? Did they just die off or did they evolve into different things that are here now? Are they hiding from us, waiting for the right moment to strike?

According to scientists, Tyrannosaurus Rex evolved into chickens. That’s pretty incredible. And it makes me feel a whole lot better about the fact that I eat them, despite the ravings of animal rights activists who try to guilt me about the horrible conditions they live in. As far as I’m concerned, the chickens of today are receiving karmic retribution for their past lives as fearsome and predatory T-Rexes.

But if a T-Rex can evolve into a chicken, then really anything can turn into anything, and that thought terrifies me. It’s bad enough that my ancestors were monkeys, but what the heck will my children become? In a million years, will my direct descendant be Sasquatch or an Easter Bunny? All things considered, I don’t think a Gnome would be half bad, but with the luck I’ve got my line will probably morph into some kind of new and unheard of monster. Like an invisible bear. Or maybe a freaky thing where the top half is a dog body but the bottom half is a squid. I’m just glad that by the time that happens I will be far too dead to notice or care.

The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

I don’t know how effective these ads are, but if nothing else they certainly are memorable. I don’t think I’ll ever forget seeing a naked woman piloting a giant condom fly inside a penis whale’s urethra.

“Girl”

“Boy”

This is one of those things we’d never ever have seen in the days before the internet. Are we as a society better off for it? That’s not for me to say. This is a question for our children. And our children’s children. And Screech’s children if he has any. I can’t remember if Lisa ever agreed to go out with him or not. It’s been so long since I’ve seen any episode of Saved By The Bell besides the stock market episode. I don’t know what the hell my deal is, but the last three times I’ve tried to watch Saved By The Bell I find myself watching a rerun of the episode that occurs really early in the series where they use their 1980s computer to invest in the stock market.

I should get the DVDs to avoid this problem.

Currently, Gillette, one of the more popular men’s razor companies, has a lot of razors on the market. That is why it was necessary to name this new one the Gillette Fusion Power Phenom. Do we really need this many words to describe a razor? I would much prefer if razors took cues from the Tolkien world of naming. Beardbane, Hairsplitter, and Hewer-of-Manhair are some better options. I feel sorry for the graphic designer who had to cram all those names in there. But ok, silly name aside, what’s the problem?

Manly specifications indeed!

I call your attention to the technical specifications above. Apparently men like technical specs. We like to hear about all of the useful special features about this razor that will make us shell out the extra bucks. Features like “soothing micropulses,” for when you need a face-massage while shaving, the obligatory five-blade system, a Precision Trimmer for “tricky spots” (and I hope here they mean unibrows and not genitals), and a collection of not 1, not 5, not 10, but 15 ‘microfins’ that are supposed to guide the razor across your face like the power of 15 microsharks. Oh! Let’s not forget that the micropulses are battery-powered, so we need a special battery indicator light with onboard MICROCHIP so you can make sure you don’t miss out on one single micropulse.

Men, I know we don’t all want to be bearded, or worse yet, neckbearded. I know we all want to boast that our razor has more bells and whistles than Johnny Clean-Shaven down the street. But when will this madness end?

President Obama was elected to bring change to America but his message has gone far beyond our borders. Now the Japanese have their own Obama impersonator and he comes equipped with all of the signature catchphrases of the real McCoy, but with an added bonus. Their Obama does stage magic.

Observe this clip of a Japanese TV show of the Magic Asian in front of a live studio audience.

Plus, he sells products, or at least I think that’s what he’s trying to do here in this next clip.

I was really interested in the Pearl Harbor joke at the beginning of that one. Was he making fun of The President for being from Hawaii? Or was he gloating that his country was able to launch a surprise attack that was later turned into a major motion picture? Maybe a little of both? I couldn’t tell.

This Japanese Fauxbama is not at all unique, as there have been news reports of Obama impersonators all over the world. They are found in countries including, but not limited to, Cuba, Indonesia, and The Philippines. So while other industries are feeling the effects of this global recession, one industry is growing in leaps and bounds, the “Impersonating the U.S. President sector.”

The free market appears to have already declared Obama one of our greatest Presidents by virtue of his being an international marketing behemoth. Historically the job of impersonating the U.S. President has been a tiny niche market, filled by only a couple people. There were also practically no product tie-ins, but Obama has done for the impersonator market what the Internet did for 1990s technology companies: he created a massive growth surge that won’t stop until it becomes a monster.

See? He’s fixing the economy already.