Today I was greeted while watching a web video by the smiling, talking visage of a very technologically adept razor. It’s with great sadness that I cannot share said video with y’all, it was so ridiculous I did a double-take. However, just the product itself is enough for you to understand.
Currently, Gillette, one of the more popular men’s razor companies, has a lot of razors on the market. That is why it was necessary to name this new one the Gillette Fusion Power Phenom. Do we really need this many words to describe a razor? I would much prefer if razors took cues from the Tolkien world of naming. Beardbane, Hairsplitter, and Hewer-of-Manhair are some better options. I feel sorry for the graphic designer who had to cram all those names in there. But ok, silly name aside, what’s the problem?
Manly specifications indeed!
I call your attention to the technical specifications above. Apparently men like technical specs. We like to hear about all of the useful special features about this razor that will make us shell out the extra bucks. Features like “soothing micropulses,” for when you need a face-massage while shaving, the obligatory five-blade system, a Precision Trimmer for “tricky spots” (and I hope here they mean unibrows and not genitals), and a collection of not 1, not 5, not 10, but 15 ‘microfins’ that are supposed to guide the razor across your face like the power of 15 microsharks. Oh! Let’s not forget that the micropulses are battery-powered, so we need a special battery indicator light with onboard MICROCHIP so you can make sure you don’t miss out on one single micropulse.
Men, I know we don’t all want to be bearded, or worse yet, neckbearded. I know we all want to boast that our razor has more bells and whistles than Johnny Clean-Shaven down the street. But when will this madness end?