Shake It Like an Epileptic Minotaur

Today I was greeted while watching a web video by the smiling, talking visage of a very technologically adept razor. It’s with great sadness that I cannot share said video with y’all, it was so ridiculous I did a double-take. However, just the product itself is enough for you to understand.

Currently, Gillette, one of the more popular men’s razor companies, has a lot of razors on the market. That is why it was necessary to name this new one the Gillette Fusion Power Phenom. Do we really need this many words to describe a razor? I would much prefer if razors took cues from the Tolkien world of naming. Beardbane, Hairsplitter, and Hewer-of-Manhair are some better options. I feel sorry for the graphic designer who had to cram all those names in there. But ok, silly name aside, what’s the problem?

Manly specifications indeed!

I call your attention to the technical specifications above. Apparently men like technical specs. We like to hear about all of the useful special features about this razor that will make us shell out the extra bucks. Features like “soothing micropulses,” for when you need a face-massage while shaving, the obligatory five-blade system, a Precision Trimmer for “tricky spots” (and I hope here they mean unibrows and not genitals), and a collection of not 1, not 5, not 10, but 15 ‘microfins’ that are supposed to guide the razor across your face like the power of 15 microsharks. Oh! Let’s not forget that the micropulses are battery-powered, so we need a special battery indicator light with onboard MICROCHIP so you can make sure you don’t miss out on one single micropulse.

Men, I know we don’t all want to be bearded, or worse yet, neckbearded. I know we all want to boast that our razor has more bells and whistles than Johnny Clean-Shaven down the street. But when will this madness end?

From Demon Kogure to Hard Gay, Japan has been on the forefront of creating memorable characters. Now they’ve taken our rockin’ new President and made a few ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

President Obama was elected to bring change to America but his message has gone far beyond our borders. Now the Japanese have their own Obama impersonator and he comes equipped with all of the signature catchphrases of the real McCoy, but with an added bonus. Their Obama does stage magic.

Observe this clip of a Japanese TV show of the Magic Asian in front of a live studio audience.

Plus, he sells products, or at least I think that’s what he’s trying to do here in this next clip.

I was really interested in the Pearl Harbor joke at the beginning of that one. Was he making fun of The President for being from Hawaii? Or was he gloating that his country was able to launch a surprise attack that was later turned into a major motion picture? Maybe a little of both? I couldn’t tell.

This Japanese Fauxbama is not at all unique, as there have been news reports of Obama impersonators all over the world. They are found in countries including, but not limited to, Cuba, Indonesia, and The Philippines. So while other industries are feeling the effects of this global recession, one industry is growing in leaps and bounds, the “Impersonating the U.S. President sector.”

The free market appears to have already declared Obama one of our greatest Presidents by virtue of his being an international marketing behemoth. Historically the job of impersonating the U.S. President has been a tiny niche market, filled by only a couple people. There were also practically no product tie-ins, but Obama has done for the impersonator market what the Internet did for 1990s technology companies: he created a massive growth surge that won’t stop until it becomes a monster.

See? He’s fixing the economy already.

Hermeto Pascoal is another eminently bearded Brazilian you should be investigating through the majesty of the intarwebs. Hermeto is a jazz musician renowned for his ability to turn anything into a musical instrument.

In this video clip, we see Mr. Pascoal talking to his dentist, and then proceeding to swipe all of said dentist’s gear and make songs on it. He starts out with the ’saliva sucker’ and then eventually moves on to some of the more pain-weilding implements at the disposal of your neighborhood dentist. High-pitched whirring never sounded so beautiful.

I’d like to think that every time this dude goes anywhere he begins making music with whatever’s handy, like some warped real-life Björk video, only with more beardage. I picture him arranging puppies so that as he lightly smacks them they yip a little tune, or wreaking havoc in Bed, Bath and Beyond. Please Mr. Pascoal, we have to ask you to leave the wastebasket section and pay for your things. Here’s another video of him playing with an ensemble of seemingly American Apparel briefs-clad men, in what appears to be some part of the Amazon rainforest.

I think this is his most popular clip of him on YouTube, but there are many others to check out if it strikes your fancy. I recommend the kind of unbelieveable clip of him playing music with his own beard like it was a musical saw. Seriously.

Hey gang,
I’ve recently stumbled upon an incredible cult leader named INRI CRISTO. He is a Brazilian fellow who claims to be Jesus and he has a bunch of youtube videos up wherein some of his female followers are dressed sort of like nurses or flight attendants and sing popular songs with the lyrics changed to be about how great INRI CRISTO is.

If you’ve ever thought to yourself “Boy, I sure could use a zesty Latin American Saviour” then INRI CRISTO is for you. His sermons are in Portuguese and he sits on a throne next to a Brazilian flag. I already knew that Brazil had a first rate soccer team and a totally kick ass rain forest, but I had no idea that they also had the founder of Christianity. To help you take your first step toward mystical enlightenment, here’s the INRI CRISTO-fied version of “Umbrella” by Rihanna.

For some reason it’s just not as catchy as the original, non-cult version.

They also do “Toxic” by Britney Spears which isn’t half bad. They should do an INRI-fied David Bowie song, then maybe they’d make it onto the soundtrack of a Wes Anderson film.

If you’re really curious, they explain INRI CRISTO’s origin story in their version of “The Eye of The Tiger,” which while offering up a lot of information about their leader, disappointed me for not showing footage of either INRI or the girls drinking raw eggs and punching animal carcasses. C’mon cult people, you can do better.

WEBSITE: http://www.inricristo.org.br